I never thought that I would ever walk into the manager’s office of a place I had dreams of working my whole life and say, “I’m leaving.” But, here I am feeling the best I have felt in months.
Today, I made arguably the biggest decision I have ever made. I’ve decided to leave a career I have worked so hard to get and grow. I’m leaving because I need to do something for myself for once; before I regret it.
Precursor: This has nothing to do with the company, the people or the job itself. On the contrary, it has everything to do with me.
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Let’s travel back shall we? It starts with an eager, passionate, focused, young Erik. I left my hometown when I was seventeen to live two hours away (it felt like across the country sometimes) to pursue a higher education. From the moment I hit the highway that August day, I have been firing on all cylinders to get ahead. I don’t mean to get ahead of others, or claw my way to the top, I just knew I wanted to do better. I wanted, and still want, to be successful enough to take care of my family. I think that’s an instinct for us all - to provide for our families. It’s an honourable goal, but we often forget to take care of ourselves in the process.
After two years of university, switching majors twice, a move to college and a brand new program later - I graduated with a diploma in Communication Arts with a major in Broadcast Journalism. Oh, and fifty grand in student debt. All the while, I had at least one job on the go, some times two.
It was then full steam ahead, directly into my first entry level career position. By my 20 year old standards, I had made it. I got my first job in the media industry and was doing exactly what I thought I was meant to do. Yet, I didn’t feel like I could get ahead. I had to get a second job just to save up to go away on vacation - which I’m not complaining about. That second job at a sushi restaurant was one of the greatest, and most delicious jobs, I’ve had.
Finally after 6 years of living, studying and working in a new city - I landed an incredible job back home, at the television station I had watched since I was a kid. A television station I drove by every day on my way to school in elementary. Here I was, getting to live out a dream. I packed my whole life, and back home I travelled.
This job was perfect for me. Spending time in the community, seeing the best of people trying to help others in every sector of the city. I got to work on so many fun projects, attend amazing events, while working with some of the best in the business. The job never changed to being not perfect for me, I changed to not being perfect for the job.
Quickly, my mental health and stress levels started to shift. It wasn’t that the workload increased, or that the job got harder. It was that I was starting to check out. I was losing sleep because I didn't want to go in to work. Consulting my doctor about my anxiety attacks and what was going on with me. Something in me was telling me that I was done, but I couldn’t quite figure out why. On paper, I was living the dream I had been waiting for. In my heart, I knew I had to make a change.
The millennial in me turned to the internet - searching out a reason, an explanation, a beacon even, to tell me what the hell I was doing wrong. There was a YouTube video I was shown at a summit I attended that stopped me in my tracks. Pause here if you want to watch it: it’s titled, “Do What You Can’t” by Casey Neistat. The premiss of the video, is to say, “Watch me,” when someone says you can’t do something. Someone says you can’t learn to tango? Watch me. You can’t travel the world? Watch me. There it was - the beacon I was searching for. The caveat was there wasn’t someone else telling me I couldn’t do what I wanted to do: it was myself.
For some reason, I put this pressure and expectation on myself that I couldn’t travel, and make mistakes while I’m young. That I needed to keep my head down, on the straight and narrow until I reached the top of my career - whatever it took. And so I worked and worked without taking a moment to come above water and breathe. Over the past few years I have daydreamed about traveling anywhere and everywhere. But again, told myself it was just a dream. A dream I thought everyone had in their heads, and eventually some of us would check off those bucket list places we’ve dreamt of going.
That’s when I heard it: Shut Up, and Go.
A favourite YouTube duo I had been following for years, Damon and Jo, had been sending out this message to me, but I was never actively listening to what they were saying. If you want to go somewhere, or do something, stop making the excuses for yourself and, “Shut Up and Go”.
So, that’s what I’m doing. I’m done making excuses for myself. I don’t have to stay in a job to climb a corporate ladder that I’m not sure I’d ever reach the top of. I don’t have to limit myself to the dreams that seem attainable in the moment. If I don’t achieve my big dreams, well at least I tried.
I’m planning to work a lower stress job, serving in a restaurant, talking and meeting inspiring people, until I can get together enough money to book a plane ticket somewhere, anywhere. I need to seek an adventure that makes me uncomfortable, that challenges me to try something new, to learn, to appreciate, and most importantly to grow. I’m so thankful for the support I have had from mentors, friends, and most of all my family. Not once in these past few months where I have been working on this did they shoot me down, instead they boosted me up.
It feels very Eat Pray Love, but it also feels very right. To me, it’s rebellious, irresponsible, and exhilarating all at the same time - and I hope you’ll join me as I document this new chapter in my life through this blog. Maybe I’ll regret some things I do next, but maybe, just maybe, I’ll regret I didn’t do it sooner.
"Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be." - Carrie Bradshaw